It wasn’t until recently I decided to stop playing victim about every relationship or individual who did me wrong.  I decided to tweet, not looking for a response because I wanted to actually revisit those tweets in this blog.   My best friend said something to me today unbeknownst to my tweets.  She said, “Shenna, you always find one thing wrong with someone to avoid dealing with them.  I’m not even talking about a relationship.  I’m talking about dating!”   She is actually correct.  I’ve taken risks with my heart and the hearts of others.

The last time I had real feelings for someone was in 2008.  I was really into this woman.  I thought we would end up together although timing was off.   I was single four years, but for her the timing was off.   We didn’t end up where I expected us to, but now her presence in my life is pretty amazing.

Since her I’ve led hearts on selfishly.  Five years of the  single life was enough and I wanted to be called someone’s girlfriend.   Singledom had taken it’s toll on me.  For that I apologize to the hearts, ears, and eyes I’ve lied to with forced emotions that were never really there.  I honestly thought I could convince myself to love or be in love with these individuals if the words came from my mouth.  I said to words to believe them myself, not the person.  I wanted to believe that it was my time to finally be in love and  have a “happily ever after.”  I went as far to shopping for rings with someone I had no real feelings for.  I was just in love with the idea of being in love.  I guess one could compare me to Kim Kardashian, Kris Humphries, (I hope I spelled his name correctly)  and their situation.   I believe Kim always wanted her wedding and he was available.  She knew it was wrong and tried to end it a few times, but the expectation looked better than the reality.   This was me, the expectation and the fairytale looked better than the reality.  I knew the relationships (dating and serious) were wrong but I thought somehow cupid would show up.

I received my Karma during these relationships.  They all ended sour with me in tears.   I disconnected myself and feelings without speaking up and being honest, so in return the Karma visited me.  I was cheated on and left in each of these.  I’ve cried and fought to make these things right.  It wasn’t because I had feelings.  I did not!  It wasn’t even rejection fully.  My tears were shed because of expectations.

Let me make this clear, I did not purposely lead these women on.  However, I am accountable and responsible for my actions.  When you have to choose between expectations and reality, choose reality.  Expectations will have you fucked up!  Never force feelings that aren’t there.  When something is meant to be, it will just be……….

So if you’re reading this and you’re one of the unnamed women, I truly apologize for leading you on.  I hope you find it in your hearts to forgive me as I have forgiven both you and myself.

I’ve grown from that.  I refuse to ever settle for expectations again.  I guess this is why lately I’ve been avoiding certain dates because I can’t afford the bill of someone else’s misled heart.

Until…..

Shenna Nanette